My Brain Says…but My Heart Says…!

One of my challenges from My Bucket List is to write a Business Plan for a Company I’ve Been Thinking About (#280). While I have not actually written a business plan for 214 Fitness, a mobile fitness company I started with my husband; I have had quite a few other challenges in getting its operation running smoothly.

I know that I am supposed to be using empowering words. Words that make me feel like a Rock Star! At least, Tanya Aliza stresses this in her Welcome to Unlimited Fan Page Profits! training. I am taking her training to learn how to set up a Face Book Fan Page for 214 Fitness. (I guess, I can mark off Take An Online Course To Better Myself (#272). Anyway, I have been working on this training for months. I have been working on a website for months. I have been working on brochures for months. Nothing seems to be coming together for me when it comes to setting up a profitable fitness business. It seems I have exceeded my creative mental capacity to design anything remotely pleasing to the eye or attractive enough to entice someone to sign on as a client.

Yesterday, my emotions got the best of me. I was feeling like a failure in the business arena, a failure as a wife-which goes in line of my failure as an athlete, a failure at financial independence, a failure at my full-time “real” job! Ultimately, I was feeling like a failure of LIFE

Being Challenged In Life Is Inevitable, Being Defeated Is Optional. – Roger Crawford

All I could think about was my inability to get this business running and make it successful. I have one client that I have had for seven months. I had another that was really inconsistent and rarely showed for training sessions. I had another that signed a contract and backed out at the last minute. All I get are excuses! Too many to list. Then I thought about my own inconsistencies: inadequate planning, taking on too much other task, helping others instead of focusing on my business and my own fitness, getting side tracked with home, life, social events. These are all valid excuses that makes this whole business adventure not seem worth the time of day. People offer to help but never come around to it.

The fact is my own insecurities get in the way.  I was never designed to be a great athlete…or athlete at all; for that matter. Hell, I didn’t even know there was  a such thing as organized recreational sports until I had children. I thought sports were only played for school teams. Maybe I did know but never realized it was a thing. I tried Track my Junior year in high school. I was awful! I was FAT! I had no skill. I certainly could not run! Ultimately, I was an embarrassed myself and the team! Who was I to think I could ever be part of a team? I had a coach (not surprising that I can’t remember her name) that didn’t really care if I was there or not. She witnessed my inabilities and rather than “coach” me to be good at something, she threw me in on the shot-put. By the way, I couldn’t throw either. I have never had upper body strength! I still cannot do a pull up; even if you put a gun to my head! When she didn’t have enough runners for an event, she threw me on the roster at the last minute. I did not know the difference between a 400 meter and 800 meter track run. There was no one-on-one coaching to help me improve or talks about how I could get better or what I needed to do to fix my weight to make it easier. What do you think I did to overcome this embarrassment? I did something even more embarrassing. Ridiculous actually! I started smoking so I would have an excuse not to join the team my senior year. I had smoked off and on since I was seven years old and it just seemed like the thing to do to cope with everything wrong in my life. However, it became one of the reasons I wanted to open 214 Fitness. I wanted an avenue for young teens and adults to get the training they needed to succeed in whatever sport they wanted to participate in. I want them to be able to choose a different outlet to cope with life and not turn to tobacco products, drugs, or alcohol.  I wanted to be the mentor and the motivator to help them become the best “THEM”!

Lately, I feel I can’t even do that for myself. I feel like I am suffocating most days; watching myself move forward while I am planted in one place. How can I truly help someone else? As least that is what the brain is saying…the heart says “You care way too much to give up on a dream. There are way too many people that need your help!” The brain tells me, “It’s embarrassing for your husband to weigh less than you.” My heart is telling me, “You are fine! You look great! You are beautiful inside and out!” Sometimes, it’s hard to truly feel what the heart is telling you. I have battled weight issues my entire life. I have dealt with name calling, sounds made as I walk down the passageway at school, notes left on lockers. Sadly, that stuff does not stop when you become an adult. I dealt with the same scenarios and some worse while I was stationed in the military. Those memories are why I fought so hard to lose weight when I was stationed in Puerto Rico. It seemed everyone around me was thin and beautiful. I just wanted to be thin and beautiful too. I married and got pregnant; well I got pregnant then got married. After our son was born we went to visit my husband’s family in Texas. His mother was thin and his sister was thinner. I felt like an over-inflated baboon around them. Now, don’t get me wrong. I never heard anything but kind words from them. I am fortunate to be a part of such an amazing, giving, and supportive family. But it did not stop me from feeling fat and insecure. That pressure did motivate me to lose weight. When I joined the military I was roughly 165 pounds. Probably more! I worked out morning, noon, and night. I watched every morsel of food I ate, counted every calorie. I dropped to 114 pounds. I felt so alive. I had so much energy. I loved myself. For the first time in my life, I really did love myself!

Recently, I had talked with my mother and she described her weight loss. She isn’t even trying to lose weight; it’s just happening. Just what I needed to hear at a time I am processing my “fat” talks. Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely happy for her efforts (and a little worried that she is losing too much weight). But…I am instantly frustrated! Here I am fighting my entire body’s system to lose weight I have gained since retirement. I am fighting hypothyroidism that doesn’t want to correct itself. I am fighting my mental anguish over the lack of energy and motivation to do anything. I get nowhere. My brain says, “You’re a personal trainer! How can you expect people to want you to train them. You don’t even look like a trainer?!” I feel like I should be on a Fat-Farm! All I want is to look good, feel good, have energy to get through the day without an energy drink or a nap or two, or sometimes three. I want to feel strong and conditioned. What I really want is that feeling of love and happiness I had for myself in Puerto Rico. I felt amazing, energetic, unstoppable. I miss that feeling! But I can’t get it back.

I also have to assess there are things that I am not doing right to get where I need to be. Consistent training and nutrition! Yes, even personal trainers can get off track! I know that my workout routines have been greatly inconsistent since I have been battling pharyngitis, bronchitis, and allergies since Memorial Day. Then there was the high heart rate during runs that concerned my husband enough to insist I get my heart check out before starting to train again. While most of the symptoms are gone; the cough wants to become a permanent inhabitant of my body and my heart turned out to be extremely healthy (as I had told him). I am finally starting to be more consistent in training sessions. I hired a coach to help me get back on track. Dennis Welch of the Dennis Welch Endurance Project. I met Dennis when he lived here in Virginia. We ran in the same running group. Once that group broke off, he started his own. I was training for a marathon with another group and would see the workouts he would do at a local park. He was very intimidating…reminded me of my husband when he would do his workouts. Their concepts were very similar. Anyways, Dennis’ training sessions are brutal! I feel like I can’t even get through a quarter of the workout. I used to get frustrated when I would review them. I would think, “There is no way in hell I can do this! I don’t have that kind of strength or stamina. I am starting completely over. It has been years since I trained for a running event. How does he expect me to do all this within these limitations?” But every time, I go out I have to try to match the plan. That’s the perfectionist in me. Even if I know, It is way beyond my current ability I have to try!

For instance, on my Monday run (Aug 19), the plan as written was:

  • 20:00 warmup of tire pull or easy run, then
  • 10 x 800m at MRP in minutes and seconds, with equal rest recovery jog or walk between as needed.
  • So, to execute, let’s say that your MRP is equivalent to a 3 hour marathon, which would be 3:00:00. So you would then make the hour into minutes and the minutes into seconds. So in this case, you’d run your 800s in 3 minutes. If your MRP is equivalent to a 4 hour marathon, then you’d run your 800s in 4 minutes.

I could not even do a quarter of what was on the plan; partly due to family and schedule commitments. My 20 minute warmup ended at 15 minutes. My 800 meters at Marathon Race Pace (MRP) followed by an 800 meter recovery run/walk between sets was a disaster! Ultimately, I was to complete 800 meters in 5 minutes, jog or walk 800 meters in 5 minutes for 10 sets. I felt pretty good with the first 800 meters but the second set became a run/walk. I ended it at the second set because it was like I was pushing a bulldozer around the track. I felt defeated! So many emotions became too overwhelming to continue. I felt like I lost myself over these past few years and I can’t find me. In fact, during my workout, I could see a vision of me running in the distance ahead, the physical me is steadily dropping back until the vision of me is no longer visible. Now, I have left myself behind! I’m no where in sight. I don’t know where I went. I’m struggling to keep up! It’s all just too fast! Frustration, confusion, feeling lost. Those are the words I feel. Unaccomplished, unsuccessful, failure plague my inner being. I feel myself trying to claw myself out of a hole. The darkness is too great. I can’t see ahead!

Remember, I said that I was inconsistent in training and lacked nutritional value. I believe the nutritional value is the key to these emotions spiraling downward. These feelings stem from not being able to perform at a level I once was at. I can barely push this 159.6 pound body to get out of bed at 5:00 in the morning. When I finally jump out of bed at 5:15, I quickly throw on some clothes (that I did not take the time to lay out the night before), use the bathroom, get a drink of water, take my morning Synthroid for the hypothyroidism, and rush out the door no later than 5:24. Yes, it is just that specific! There is no time for breakfast in this scene! Plus, I have to wait 30 minutes before I can eat. Notice too, that I did not grab a lunchbox. So let’s continue…Leaving any later than 5:24 , I play hell getting a parking spot in the designated parking lot at work. I reach the parking lot by 5:45 most mornings in order to get a parking spot. If I find my timeline is off while driving, I rush as fast as I can to get back on schedule. I finally make it to the parking lot and it gives me time for a short nap before heading into work at 6:20. Still no breakfast. If I get so hungry that I start to shake, I will visit the Rusty Anchor for some breakfast. Nothing in that joint is healthy; unless you consider scrambled eggs with egg shells healthy. Lunchtime…takes way too long to arrive. All I want is to head to my car for another nap. Finally, 11:30 arrives and I head to my car for that short nap I had been waiting all morning for. Forget food! Sleep is way more important. Unfortunately, thirty minutes is never long enough. The alarm goes off at 11:59 and I head back to work. The afternoon drags on forever! Finally, 2:50pm and it’s time to leave the office for the day. I either visit a personal training client or head home. The choices then become workout, clean my much neglected house, or Uber my husband and friend to our next social engagement. It is usually a brewery, a concert, or a local restaurant. Sometimes, it’s all three. It never stops! Oftentimes, my husband will ask me if I ate anything that day. Of course, I lie and say yes so I avoid a confrontation. When he was deployed, my sons were his spies to make sure I ate. I have this aversion to food in the sence that I don’t like to take time to eat. It takes too much time when there are so many other things I need to do.

Honestly, I feel like I sabotage myself. My physical fitness, my weight, everything! I don’t know why. Maybe I don’t deserve to look and feel sexy. Maybe all those school kids were right, my father,…maybe…I’m just fat! Maybe that’s my destiny. Maybe, I had fooled myself all those years ago thinking I was anything of an athlete; a runner. Maybe the strides I made to get better was just a fluke. I wasn’t really supposed to be able to run 9:30 minute miles. Maybe, I wasn’t really supposed to run multiple half marathons, two full marathons, or even a 50K Ultra marathon. Actually, Dennis says there are some people that have not business running. Maybe, I’m one of them! After all, with all the training I put in, I still wasn’t running very fast. At least, that is what my brain wants me to think! My heart tells me that I was destined to be great! I was destined to influence, motivate, and encourage all those people that are just like me in their struggles. People are watching you even when you don’t know they are watching. People are imitating you, even when you are at your worst. People need other people to inspire to be like. Ok, maybe that is only me admiring the abilities of other and wanting to do the same! 

This week, I decided to make a change. Changes are never easy. I set my alarm at 4:30 so I can do a little strength training or maybe some yoga before getting dressed for work…I have not been successful at this yet. Just like Dennis’ workouts, I will keep trying until I get them right. I did manage to take time to hang out with my husband. Really hang out. We ran together…ok, we were in the same park running; just not side by side. We had dinner together…YES, I COOKED! We even watched some TV shows together. It made me realize just how much I missed hanging out with him and working out with him. That was a good win to this change process! Life takes on so much of us that sometimes we forget what is truly important. Sometimes, we let others dictate how we spend our time and we forget to take time for ourselves. Sometimes, we let the opinion of others dictate how we should feel about ourselves. We are all different. We all have different struggles. We all have those mental images of perfection we must battle. We are all perfectly beautiful in our own way. God made us all different for a reason. We are unique. Embrace what makes you unique!  

Success Is Due To Our Stretching To The Challenges Of Life. Failure Comes When We Shrink From Them. – John C. Maxwell